Today is 16 years to the day that my mother passed away. I cannot believe that 16 years have gone by since I've spoken to her. 16 Christmases, 16 birthdays, 16 springtimes. I think about her every single day. I wondered if I would. I had never lost a loved one before my mom died, and so I didn't know what would happen as the years passed. It feels like my life changed that day, and the sadness never goes away. I miss her so much. I was only 23 years old, and I was just learning how to be a mother myself. There are so many questions I wish that I could have asked her. So many things I didn't know at 23. I feel like a totally different person since the last time I saw her. I feel her near me at times. I feel her love every day of my life and I pray that she knows the incredible influence that she had on my life. I try to tell my children what she was like. That she was a woman of faith. That she raised her family in the gospel and that she knew that families were forever. I marvel that she went through the experiences that she did and stayed positive and loving and absolutely devoted to her family. She was forgiving and funny and she made me feel more loved than anybody ever has. I remember thinking that there was no way that she would die because I knew that I couldn't live without her. And then when she did die, I knew that I needed to live a life that she would be proud of. And I think that is what I have tried to do. Every major decision I make, I wonder if it would be something that she would approve of.
I have often thought what it would be like to spend one afternoon with her. What would I tell her about the past 16 years? These are a few of the things that I think she would enjoy.
1. That I am not a slob anymore. That I know how to clean my house and that I take pride in keeping it that way. I think she would be a little surprised by this. I know that she threw her hands in the air many times when it came to my cleaning habits.
2. That I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and that I am raising my family to hopefully love it as well. That I love going to church and to the temple and that nothing makes me happier than reading scriptures with my family.
3. That my dad and I have a wonderful relationship. I didn't always know how to communicate with my dad while my mom was here. She kind of coaxed us both and helped us understand each other, and I know that since she's been gone I have grown to love him so very much and I don't know what I would do without him.
4. That I married an incredible man who loves me and our children so very much and who wants us to be together forever as much as I do.
5. That I can cook a great Thanksgiving dinner.
6. That I can sew hallow e'en costumes for my kids and that I love quilting. She tried to encourage my domestic side while she was here, but I wasn't a very willing participant. I think she would really chuckle that I have found that side of myself.
I know she knows these things. I know she is aware of my life because of how she raised me. I know that I will see her again and that she will know my husband and my children. I feel that it is the greatest compliment when I am told that I do things like she did and I pray that I can love my family half as well as she did.
4 comments:
This post made me tear up. I'm the only one of my dad's children who has any memories of Grandma, and those memories are so precious to me. I can't wait until the day when I'll get to really know her, and I want her to know all about my life. I hope I'm the kind person who would make her proud to be my grandmother.
This is a beautiful tribute to your mom, Kathy. I didn't know her nearly as well I wish I did now, but I do love her so much, and I miss her. That picture is beautiful.
I know she's proud of you. You have such a beautiful family, and I know she can't wait to meet them again :) Love you :)
A beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman and remarkable mother. I still miss her, even 16 years later. Sometimes I feel that I miss her more now than in those first few years.
Thank you Kathy, for your poignant thoughts and words. I love you.
What a beautiful post, Kathy. You made me cry, too! I think so often of your mother and have wished many times that she were around to consult with and offer advice. She was a wise woman and I have come to appreciate even more now than I did when she was alive her total commitment to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Having a mother/mother-in-law who is so grounded in truth is such a strength to our family. She surely must be proud of you. I like to think that she's watching out for us and knows at least somewhat about the goings-on in our lives.
Thanks for this tribute. I never knew Grandma, but I too feel her near me sometimes. I am so excited to meet her some day and get to know her; I know that she already knows me and watches me and all of us.
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